Life is Full of Rock Music

Even though I own multiple mugs, I really enjoy drinking coffee out of a paper cup.

Still alive. Probably off anyone's radar, but I still think about y'all.

Statements like this:

"I mean, I guess this depends on whether or not someone believes in God, but I mean...do you actually believe that God will let the air get so bad we can't breath? I mean we don't really have to worry about it, God will save us."

"We are supposed to use it. God put the oil there."

Um....I don't even know what to say. I mean...that is the most ignorant republican twist on religion I've ever heard. God also gave us brains to save ourselves. I don't think any big bail out is coming. Sorry.

And as far as the oil being there, in the middle of beautiful wilderness, near natural wonders, in the middle of complicated ecosystems, maybe right under the damn cure for cancer (which God also put there, we just have been to busy chopping down trees and tearing up earth for the oil to find it)....well God also planted that fruit tree and told Adam and Eve not to eat from it. (even though it was there)

And what happened when they ate the fruit (that God put there ya know)?
They made us all mortal! Oh my! We can die! We can trash the earth and die!


I wish I'd thought of all this and more- especially the part about what else God put there that maybe we haven't discovered yet--- when my friend made these comments. Damn.

		I will marry Seth from the OC.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in Bavaria in our fabulous Apartment.
		We will have 7 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a Hot Pink no muffler hummer h2.
		I will spend my days as a Professional Triathlete, and live happily ever after.

Whipping cream does not go bad. I just opened a carton dated jun 4 07 and it was a-ok.

I'm pretty sure if I ever become obese I'll have a FUPA

Ok, so this grade thing. . . It turns out we still have 25% of our points to come, which is good for me because 5% is professionalism points and I'm pretty sure I'll get all of those. Now I have to do more math.

I have 86.2% of 75 points=64.65 points/75
Lets say I get 5 professionalism points= 69.65/80=87.0625%
So to get a 90% in the class I need 20.35 points/20 on the final.


DAMN IT! I'm so fucking close. This teacher won't round either. I took Anatomy and Physiology from her and I got 2 of my 5 B's from her. I don' want another one. Guess what my percentages were an 89.1% and a 89.4%

Even if I get a 100% I think i get 89.65% in the class. I'm about to cry.

I haven't had time to read the book yet. I skiied the best powder day of my life yesterday. Over a foot of light fluffy snow, steep trees. . .every turn was a face shot, it was untracked and snowing the whole day. And its freaking almost april! I also will probably not comment much this week but I still <3 y'all.

It's day 3 again. How many times am I going to be in single digits? Maybe this is the last. I skiied today. . .spring skiing is so fun. I have 15 minutes to get to the pool. I think I'm going to get in, swim 1000, do some drills and get out. 30 minutes.

One of my really good friends, who I lived with last winter gave me a book. I think I've seen it before, it has a 21 day "stop the binge/purge cycle" thing in it. We've talked a lot about my and her and every other girls eating issues. She says that the book ahs given her a lot of insight to her own issues and told me to give it a try. She's the only person in my real life that knows I have thrown up recently. The book is Bulimia a guide to recovery by Lindsey Hall and Leigh Cohn. I don't know. I may as well do it. If I do this will be my journal.

I'm feeling pretty good. Well mentally anyway. My hip is sore/stiff. I'm not surprised though. Even though its felt ok biking I did ride up a little hill yesterday and double my usual commute. I also had PT and lifted. I swam this morning, and the stupid shoulder- sore too. I am swimming faster though and got in 2000 yds. think I may tomorrow try to just walk a lot, do my PT exercises and commute to school. Hopefully then on thursday I can run for 20-30 minutes and get in a good swim and lift. Oh and I do yoga on tuesday and thursday. I think it rocks.

I also went gerocery shopping today and spent a ridiculous amount of money. It has to lasst me a while, so i really can't binge. I went to costco and the organic store. I bought milk and soymilk in 3-1/2 gal packs. Organic of course. I'm sort of a yuppy food snob. Lets see ( what else did I get? )

Supposed to run with my sis today, but the hip, too sore so no run. She's coming over for dinner after she runs though and I made a spicy tomato-sweet potato-black bean and corn soup, corn bread with smoked cheddar and jalapenos, and a salad with mangos, tomatos, zuchinni, tomatos, lettuce and a balasamic, lime and lemon olive oil dressing.

Too bad I'm not all that hungry. Oh well probably going to eat lots anyway.

I had a weird day. Especally with eating. I woke up and decided that I should eat what ever I want. not however much, but if I want it I can have it. Never a good idea for me. Of course I ended up throwing up, at work by late afternoon because I'd had so many bites of random crap I never would eat otherwise. I really can't eat a piece of cake and feel ok. Well. . .I ate a lot of random food, don't know exactly what I threw up, came home ate a bunch of icecream and cereal. Threw up. Ate some pretzels, almond butter, a banana and 5 pieces of butered toast. Tried to make myself keep it down. Threw up some of it. Ate some more pretzels. Now I am in bed, and I am trying not to go throw up everything in my stomache. I am so afraid of turning into a binge eater (without purging). I am completely irrationally terrified of gaining weight. i realize that puking right now would at most get rid of what 2000 calories? maybe. not even a pound. I am not going to. I'm going to bed. If I don't make that decision now, when will I? I have to make it when its hard. Teach me a lesson.

I read this and I can't even believe this is me. Damn it. I also can't remember when my PT appt is tomorrow. I am such a slacker. I've done no homework this weekend. Why? because I've been puking.

I was going to write a little note about not reading/posting on LJ anymore. I think its sort of toxic for me. But then I realized that its not LJ, its certain communities. Like the purgatorium. I read it because its nice to know other people struggle out there with the same shit. Its nice to have people to talk to. But I think it makes it seem more ok to me. And this is because so many of these girls (and guys) are so intelligent, funny, beautiful that it makes it too comfortable. I just have to pull myself away. This is not in anyway saying anything bad about anyone in the community. There are a lot of incredible people there with really helpful, insightful, uplifting posts and comments. I'll miss these girls. But I took it off my friends list and I'm NOT going to read there until I prove myself I can go these next two weeks with out binging and purging. If anyone from the purgatorium does wnat to stay in touch and is randomly reading my journal. . .comment, I'll add you to my friends list and I'll read your journal too :) More friends are always nice. I won't miss entries now either becuase they used to get buried in community posts on my friends page. If anyone wants to be facebook friends, I'd like that. Totally understand if not though. I stay in touch with a few girls from LJ on facebook and then its talking to a real person, and not so eating disorder focused. not that all my conversations here are but you know what I mean.
( warning!!! self exploration and angry language )

I want to be a success story. I want to start writing about my bike rides, runs and cold ass swims in the pond in april. I want to race. I want to get flat tires. I want to eat shit running and rip a hole in my favorite tights. I want to step in a puddle and have water squish around and give me blisters on a long run. I want to fall off my mountain bike. I want to do so many 100's in the pool that I almost drown on my last one.

I want to write, in a day, in 4 days, in a week, in two weeks, in a month, in three months, in a year that I haven't thrown up. Starting small: In 2 weeks I want to write about my spring break, that I'm out the door on a ride, getting back on my bike.

On the surface I have to stop worrying about "getting fat" I think underneath I have to stop worrying about failing. So what to either. Fuck it.

Ok, I'm doiing a colon cleanse and I'm 3 days in. Nothing really yet. It's this kit from Nature's Way "Thysilin Cleanse" and you take different pills in the am and pm. They're fiber, bowel stimulant, herbal what not so it seems pretty safe. I've read about them online and lots recomend eating a sort of stricter cleansing diet- like no dairy or meat, not to high fat, lots of fruit, veggies, whole grains etc. . .no coffee. I can see why the low-fat, no dairy and meat so i may try that for the next few days. I'm alo trying not to drink diet soda and not do splenda.

It's not really working. I suppose it could be because although I know I kept down the pills I did throw up on the first day. Yesterday I ate a lot and went to bed sort of full on popcorn and think maybe the stimulant would work better on an emptier stomache? Then today probably not the best colon cleanse accompaniment diet- I went out for breakfast- eggs with cheese, fried taters, and a big ol eggy-buttery french toast. Lots a coffee with some cream. I ate a fair amount of dairy through out the day, and I'm stil full from dinner/dessert (chicken veggie noodle stirdfy and chocolate chip banana muffins with whip cream!) so I'm like- well fuck another day gone.

Tomorrow I'm going to really try to be better! I'm going to take the morning pills before swimming and wait to eat until after swimming. Then I work tomorrow night so I'll eat dinner early an not eat when I come home and take the evening pills. I'm not toalking about being restrictive here- I just really want to cleanse my colon! LMAOOL.

( planning dork )

yesteray, check.

My top favorite Study Drinks:

*Coffee black or strong with 1/2n1/2
*Chai tea with soymilk and stevia
*Green Tea with soymilk and stevia
*London Fog: equal parts strong Earl Gray and Steamed Soy Milk
*Sparkle Water or Hansen's Soa

My top drinks:

*champagne
*Beer
*Red Wine
*Tequilla
*Irish Coffee
*Whiskey
*Vodka Sodas

Post Workout recovery drinks:

*Milk and Chocolate malt ovaltine
*Powerbar chocolate recovery drink
*Smoothie with fruit and yogurt
*slim fast
*Black and White Mocha

SO I went 9 days by hours without bingeing or purging. 8 days techically by calander day. Last night I did. On to today. So I was fine, I had a big pancake breakfast, and 3 hours later it was time for more advil so i thought I'd have a can of minestrone with it. I felt full and wanted to binge so I had a big bowl of cereal and a tortilla. I had already poured myself another when my roommate came home. I poured the bowl down the drain. Now I sort of don't want to purge. Well, I really want to not, but I'm scared to keep that down. The pancakes were at least 1000 calories, the minestrone 250 and I'm sure the bowl of cereal was about 800, and the tortilla 200. So I'm at about 2500. That's really ok. I know this. I know that keeping this down could bring me back to reality. If I could just go work out this wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm still hurt. Probably because of the puking.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.

I'm on a trip right now, with a bunch of people I go to school with. Its been fun, we all went out last night to a dueling piano bar. . .drank way too much and had the spins when we got back. Puked, and not on purpose. yuck.

Speaking of puking, I haven't in a week. For some reason though i have been weird(er) really restrictive about food on this trip. Not sure why.

And I ran for an hour yesterday, and about 1/2 hour today. I def don't feel 100% but hopefully getting better.

I'm getting bigger. I know I've put on weight. I can't fucking work out and my hip hurts balls again today. I haven't binged/purged in the last three days, (although I was really tempted today) and I do eat healthy, but I've been eating like I'm training. Which is way too fucking much for me not doing shit. Until my hip(s) are/is better I need to really watch it. I'm not talking starving, or what not, but just controlling portions and eating healthy. One way I think I can do this is eating simpler. I always try to add more healhty stuff and my bowls end up over flowing. I mean when I'm training thats ok, but for now do I really need two bananas and 2 c of berries on my oatmeal? nope. As for snacks I already think most cackers etc are too hard to portion, so I mostly avoid them. I think I'll stick to fruit, single portion yogurts, or like a small homemade muffin.
( tomorrow )

( boriiiiiiiing )

I was actually good sore this morning- as in I worked out for real yesterday. My hips were fine after, during the night and upon waking this morning. Howver I felt tight more in my low back and upper ass, and when I sprinted to the bus, well my hips started to feel fucked up again. And I missed yoga because I forgot my ID card to get into the gym. binging crossed my mind at that point, but I managed to not. Actually thought of how purging would affect me afterwards. Yay me.

So yeah yesterday I ran a very SLOOOOOOOOOOOW 3.1 miles. 11 minutes slower than fast actually. But I loved every minute of it. And then I swam, and although endurance isn't there I was fast snough to keep up with who I wanted to at practice. yee haw.

I was just reading down my entries and got to where I wasn't binging and purging at all this summer (6/29-10/31)

I miss that.